| Unveiling a New Science IV |
Acting WiselyWay back in 1920, just after the first burst of enthusiasm about then-new IQ tests, psychologist Edward Thorndike created the original formulation of "social intelligence." One way he defined it was as "the ability to understand and manage men and women," skills we all need to live well in the world. But that definition by itself also allows pure manipulation to be considered a mark of interpersonal talent.16 Even now some descriptions of social intelligence offer no distinctions between the callow aptitudes of a con man and the genuinely caring acts that enrich healthy relationships. In my view, simply being manipulative-valuing only what works for one person at the expense of the other—should not be seen as socially intelligent. Instead, we might think of "social intelligence" as a shorthand term for being intelligent not just about our relationships but also in them.'7 This concept broadens the focus of social intelligence to a two-person perspective; what emerges as a person engages in a relationship. Expanding our focus in this way lets us look beyond the individual to understand what actually transpires as people interact—and to look beyond narrow self-interest to the best interests of others, too. That more expanded view leads us to consider within the scope of social intelligence capacities that enrich personal relationships, like empathy and concern. So in this book I consider a second, wider principle that Thorndike also proposed for our social aptitude: "acting wisely in human relationships," The social responsiveness of the brain demands that we be wise, that we realize how not just our own moods but our very biology is being driven and molded by the other people in our lives—and in turn, it demands that we take stock of how we affect other people's emotions and biology. Indeed, we can take the measure of a relationship in terms of a person's impact on us, and ours on them. The biological influence passing from person to person suggests a new dimension of a life well lived: conducting ourselves in ways that are beneficial even at this subtle level for those with whom we connect. Relationships themselves take on new meaning, and so we need to think about them in a radically different way. The implications are of more than passing theoretical interest; they compel us to reevaluate how we live our lives. But before we explore these grand implications, let's go back to the beginning of this story: the surprising ease with which our brains interlock, spreading our emotions like a virus.
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